Monday, July 25, 2011

Day one. Week 1. Round 4.

Well, then there are these dips. Today is a dip day. I had my treatment this morning for about 5 hours and then went to lunch with Heather. Felt fine enough that we came home a did a tiny bit of cleaning. The mouse problem in my kitchen drawers has not gone away even after we tried scented Bounce dryer sheets. The mice just adapted, making nests of the sheets. The smell of the scented sheets is more than I can stand so we emptied out all the sheets and put everything in them in the wash or in the sink.

And then I quit, went to read and take a nap which was just one hour but was one of those completely out naps.

Now I'm up with tingly fingers and a craving for a vanilla milkshake. I do not want to go out and I'm having a hard time finding anyone who can help. I would like watermelon too. I even posted on Facebook and the response has been tepid. Well, one person said yes, but in 2 hours and one person said yes but she lives FAR from here. And others are not home or are not responding. This is the tough stuff. I just don't feel good and would like some help. Also my calves are twingy.

News flash!! The faraway person called and is on the way. I feel like collapsing in relief. It's such a dumb thing. But I feel very delicate and it will be nice to have those things.

It feels like I am being prepared for surgery. No Avastin today. If I have surgery they want me to be off Avastin for 1 month, as it makes one's blood thinner and is not a good complement to surgery. I'll see Dr. Goldberg on August 18 and will find out then what the plan is. I feel anticipatory disappointment at the idea of having surgery - as if I SHOULD (there's that word...) be able to will it away. And I am trying to hold both in my heart. That I WILL have surgery and that it will be okay and not too difficult AND that I WON'T have surgery because there are no more cells that need to be removed. Hard to hold such disparate things at the same time. I am ALSO trying to be present-oriented, telling myself that now is now and then will be then and there is nothing to be gained by focusing on the what ifs and the scoldings.

The truth is, this is a fucking hard thing to do and it is hard to feel gratitude on Day one, though it IS true that I AM grateful for the availability to me of the treatment and the doctors and such. But I do sink too. I'm mostly showing the up side to this all in public writing and when people see me. But today I don't feel up.

There is today's truth. That and the fact that I am 1/3 done (well, I will be at the end of this week.)

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