Tuesday, June 28, 2011

The Golden Elixir

Today is Day 2 of Round 2. I have 10 more to go. Actually, I'm still in Round 2, as I am connected to my Pump Buddy until tomorrow. And tomorrow I will get more anti nausea medicine and will, I hope continue to feel better than I did on the first go-round.

A little while ago tonight I sat on my front steps watching fireflies. Around here they are very prevalent, especially at this time of year. And we had rain this afternoon which must get them all activated, because they were taking off in droves, lifting up into the trees. It's quite magical.

Speaking of Magic, I've been trying to think of some helpful thoughts and words to have in my hip pocket during these treatments, something that will make it better, that will make the chemicals go into me with ease and in the right spirit. Andrew spoke about his Magic Juice. I'm thinking of the Magic Elixir or The Golden Elixir. On Monday I was able to think of the medicine flowing through me, surrounding the errant cells, surrounding them, escorting them out. It felt good.

So, good day. I'm happy. Today gets an A.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

A taste of Honey

Today I signed the contract for my book. Marilynne came here, intending to take some pictures of me working in my bees. Right when she got here it started raining, and that is not a good time to go into bees, so we went inside, chatted, and then I opened and signed my contract! I also showed her the piece that Lisa had sent with the public notice of my agreement with Storey.


It needs to be complete by June 1, 2012. Time to get going.

In bee news: I did not find a queen in hive # 1. This is not good news since it is the third time I've tried to get them to grow a Queen. I'm not sure what the problem is, but there was not Queen, nor any sign of one. No brood. No eggs. Nothing. I moved a frame of capped brood from Hive # 2 and also a frame with a few eggs into Hive # 1. Then I added supers to Hives 2,3, and 4. I closed everything up and put everything away and then realized that those bees cannot make a Queen with capped brood. ARGH!!!

I should have just gone back in but I was spent and everything had been put away already AND the bees were all riled up. I'll give them a few days and then will visit them again.

The good news was that there were significant populations in the other three hives. I hope they will do what they need to do to make themselves some honey to go through the winter. We'll see.

Tomorrow is the second treatment. I'm nervous but also kind of interested, not quite excited, to see how it will go, how I will feel, what will happen. I do not want to get sick, or, if I do, I want it to come and go quickly. I kind of feel like I am on a swiftly moving river that is coursing toward the waterfall. I am not in control. The water is moving very fast. And there is nothing I can do at this point except hope and trust that I'll be okay.

And I want to be more intentional this time, want to be clearer about my intentions for the treatment: that I believe it is the right thing to be doing, that I trust it will work, that I believe that the medicine is going to the errant cells.

That's what I think.

Another good thing is that I have been feeling much better and have been eating and drinking much more. It'll be good to remember that I might not have an appetite all the time, but there will come a time when I feel okay and can store up. I feel like I can be easier on myself even if I don't feel like eating or drinking a huge amount every single day. And it is good to know that the coconut juice is drinkable and doesn't taste bad.

Friday, June 24, 2011

Third time's a charm

My friend Carol today suggested i come up with a word or a thought, now that I am feeling well, that I can remember when I am not feeling well. I am hoping a couple of things:
1) that this treatment will not be as hard hitting as the first one - because I know more what to expect and also because they are going to try some different tings this time
2) I hope I will get to the "recovery" phase sooner the next time. I got blindsided last Friday, ending up in the ER from severe cramps and dehydration and all that and that set me back and I did not get to feeling good until Tuesday. Hopefully I'll feel better by Friday the next time.
3) I am not going to take the Ativan this time. Ativan addles my mind and I don't want to lose days again. Carol is going to take me this time and she is coming here earlier in the day and we're going to try and help me be less fearful and more relaxed and I hope that will help. I AM doing this treatment and I DO need to be an active participant, i believe, and I can't really do that when I am unconscious.

And so, back to the first thought: I am not at all sure why I have cancer for the third time. But it IS true that there are a lot of people cheering for me and praying for me and wishing and all that. And I wonder what the lesson is. And I don't know at all. But maybe, since I'm trying to see that this, along with all the other experiences - both hard and fun and excruciating and exhilarating - all are a part of Following the Golden Thread...well, then, this is a part of it too. So maybe I get this opportunity to learn something or to teach something or who knows - something. But maybe today "Third time's a charm" is a good enough mantra to help me get from here to the next high spot, recovered from the next low spot. We'll see. For now it fits well enough.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Like Texas

My friend Jan said that this trip I'm now on makes her think of me riding across Texas. On my big bike ride, Texas seemed to go on forever. A full third of the ride was in that huge state. 19 days, I think. And as I think about that, I recall some important things about those days that are applicable to now:

Though it was a huge long state, some of my most dear memories happened there. And though it was long and hard, each day was not necessarily that way. In the midst of it all there was much beauty, warm and easy puffs of tailwind, fine times.

And that was where I crashed my bike. But the crash came with unexpected help from Nancy, who loaned me her bike and Michael, who spent a whole day getting mine repaired. And though I missed nine miles of riding that day, I DID get on my bike (Nancy's bike) and ride, injured but persistent. If I'd stopped I would not have been able to restart for a long time. I would have stiffened up in a big way. But because I got back on my bike, I was able to continue.

In Texas I rode the most I've ever ridden in one day. And though I really wanted to quit - a lot - I did not quit. I was completely spent by the end of the day, but I did ride, 12 hours, and I got back on my bike the next day and rode some more.

Today I feel pretty good. I do not have a stomach ache. I got a massage and my shoulders do not hurt very much. And I have some thoughts on how to approach my next treatment. In a meditation session this evening I was able to visualize a cleansing light coursing through my body, clearing away the cells that I don't want. I know this is harsh treatment, but I feel more able, knowing that I did, finally, reach the point of not feeling utterly horrible. I will go into the next treatment with a lighter spirit and I think it will be easier.

And finally, I watched a video about Ginny Ruffner, a glass artist from Seattle who I have admired for a number of years. At the height of her career she was in a horrible car accident and was in a coma for months. She did manage to come out of it but is still quite affected, physically. But she has an amazing spirit and she is continuing to create art; glass, sculpture, drawing, more. And she nearly died and is significantly handicapped, but has risen above it.

So, I feel, shall I.

Oh - and I got to practice something tonight. A friend said, "What stage are you?" and I got to say, "I'm working on Stage Zero!" Ha! No need to say more to anyone. I'm working on Stage Zero.

Good night.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Day One

Heather says that everything is part of the Golden Thread. These are MY words, but I admit not remembering and so, when she said them, yesterday, I realized she is right and so, here we go.

Day One is June 22, 2011.

Lucinda says I should write and that this, this time I am in right now, is the gist of my next book. Interesting that my FIRST book (well, second) is not yet written, though I do have a contract for it. But she is grasping, as we all are, to find something good to pull out of not feeling well and she says that my ability to write and make something more of most situations, than what meets the eye, is really worth paying attention to.

So today I start a blog, a journal, a record of this time.

I don't feel like reviewing right now so this start, with no description, will have to do. As starters go, it's, well, a start.