My friend Carol today suggested i come up with a word or a thought, now that I am feeling well, that I can remember when I am not feeling well. I am hoping a couple of things:
1) that this treatment will not be as hard hitting as the first one - because I know more what to expect and also because they are going to try some different tings this time
2) I hope I will get to the "recovery" phase sooner the next time. I got blindsided last Friday, ending up in the ER from severe cramps and dehydration and all that and that set me back and I did not get to feeling good until Tuesday. Hopefully I'll feel better by Friday the next time.
3) I am not going to take the Ativan this time. Ativan addles my mind and I don't want to lose days again. Carol is going to take me this time and she is coming here earlier in the day and we're going to try and help me be less fearful and more relaxed and I hope that will help. I AM doing this treatment and I DO need to be an active participant, i believe, and I can't really do that when I am unconscious.
And so, back to the first thought: I am not at all sure why I have cancer for the third time. But it IS true that there are a lot of people cheering for me and praying for me and wishing and all that. And I wonder what the lesson is. And I don't know at all. But maybe, since I'm trying to see that this, along with all the other experiences - both hard and fun and excruciating and exhilarating - all are a part of Following the Golden Thread...well, then, this is a part of it too. So maybe I get this opportunity to learn something or to teach something or who knows - something. But maybe today "Third time's a charm" is a good enough mantra to help me get from here to the next high spot, recovered from the next low spot. We'll see. For now it fits well enough.