Sunday, October 9, 2011

The countdown starts

Tomorrow is my 7th treatment. This will be the first time the remaining number of treatments is less than the ones I've completed. A milestone! I've been keeping track. First there was the first one. Then I was 1/6th of the way finished. Then 1/4. Then 1/3. Then weird one (5 of 12) and then 1/2. So now we get to count it down: First a weird one (7 of 12), then 2/3, then 3/4, then 5/6 then another weird one (7/12) and then the last one.

Today I am finding I am almost looking forward to tomorrow. Today I feel energetic. I brought some kindling up to the wood pile, used the leaf blower to clear my deck, and am about to vacuum. Tonight I'm making dinner, real dinner. I feel like I could do more. Last week I poked around, and then the previous week, a treatment week, I was very sloggy. I'm not looking forward to feeling bad, but I am looking forward to being done with treatment and the best way to do that is to keep going.

I've been finding myself feeling sort of guilty for not working and for not picking up anything that is even mildly challenging at work or in my life. If I forget I am in treatment and that rest is an important part of healing, I feel like I am being very self-indulgent. But then, when I remember the part about how important rest is, I let up a bit. It's a funny thing. I'm trying to figure out what I want to do after I get done with treatment and all of this is a part of that. Do I WANT to go back to the day to day of work? Do I WANT to sign back up with all the community things I was doing? I'm not so sure. The things that I am drawn to are not on those lists. I want to write my book, of course. And I am looking forward to going to Penland in the spring. I like being in my office because I like seeing the people, but I'm not necessarily drawn to what I had been doing there.

So - off to vacuum...