Today I got my 6th treatment. I now wear a pump for two days and then can say I am half done with treatments. The schedule has been interrupted twice due to getting ready for and then having surgery. But now I am on the track to get them finished. I think I will have one more surgery but it won't be until next year and an evaluation of the effectiveness of this regimen. I harbor a secret, well a not-so-secret, desire to not have any more surgery but am not sure it is worth spending too much time on because I think the surgery is a given...
I have been very sore following the surgery, which was just about one month ago. I had to get admitted to the Asheville hospital once I got home from Chapel Hill because I was in a lot of pain. Once that was balanced I went home again and went to work - mostly to soothe myself. the pain, once I finished with some of the medicines, came back and I went back on them and, again, when the medicine was done, I was in pain again. I finally got some relief, both mentally and physically, when Tina explained that pain was to be expected and that taking the pain meds was a good idea. I am not in much better shape. Also, today Joan explained that it really does take 6 weeks and I am just about at 4 weeks. Though it doesn't look like much, I really did have a significant operation done and it is just plain going to be sore for a while longer.
Done. Explained. Understood.
I shared the room today with a young couple I know from work. And yesterday I had brunch with a friend who is also dealing with cancer. Another friend just got diagnosed. And other friends are in the middle or newly finished with treatment. It seems to be everywhere. I'm not sure if it is my age (though many of these people are significantly younger) or a factor of the times. Or is it like when you get new shoes and suddenly everyone has new shoes? I do not like my identity being so tied to this. It makes me very sad at times, angry at times, resigned too. I feel impatience with the process, impatience with my ability, or inability to do much of anything. I scold myself, saying I SHOULD be doing more. But then I stumble into the den and watch tv or doze and that seems to be enough. Lucinda referred to the Elsie Masterton syndrome, the model we have all three been given by the force of nature she was. We have all lived by modeling ourselves after her. But right now I really cannot do it - and I'm not so sure I even want to once I feel better. It is too much and ends up in a mad spin of activity but not necessarily the inner calm I want.
So Heather and Emily and some others understand and help me understand and help others understand too. Lucinda called me this morning telling me that she wants me to do only what is best for my healing. Last week I overdid it. On Friday I was at work all day long and then went to an event which would have been nothing in other times, but was too much for me in these times. I stood for only about an hour and a half and by the time I got into my car I was in a lot of discomfort which took some major dealing to dissolve. Too much. Not a good thing. Not worth repeating. I am my own example and Elsie's is not appropriate to me now - or later either, I suspect. Time to let that one really go and be Laurey who lives her life THIS way, not the daughter of Elsie who lived her life THAT way.
Okay - time for a nap.
